That's how I feel right now.
Let's face it....I am just a sensitive girl. Everything touches me...deeply.
And sometimes that really bugs!
There are days where I can set it aside, but most of the time it can overwhelm me.
I've been crying about everything. Frustrated with the sadness in the world. And in my own life.
I'm sad that a 16 year old boy in our church has a crazy aggressive cancer. He has already lost an arm to it and now it is back and wrapped around his lungs and his heart.
I'm sad that yesterday that two sisters in Orange County (3 & 4) were killed in a car accident....because a semi wasn't watching the road in stop and go traffic and stopped too late. (I'm really sad that I even watched the news last night!!!)
I'm sad that my grandma's brain is slowly deteriorating. That her conversations are filled with confusion and her ability to reason is slipping away.
But, despite it all, I KNOW that God is in control. I KNOW that nothing happens without Him knowing it. I KNOW that He loves me and loves each of these lives more than I can fathom. I KNOW that I can find peace only in Him....and I do KNOW His peace. There is nothing like it.
Sometimes I just wonder why He made me this way. Why my heart loves so much and so deep....even toward perfect strangers. What am I supposed to do with this? How do I use this for His glory? I feel like the tears aren't enough. How do I put my tears into action? (Does that even make sense?)
I just kept thinking this morning, "life is weird." We each have this short time on this earth. It is so important to know our purpose and to follow after it. I know I am here to love God and to love others....but in what capacity?
I feel like God is calling me out of the "isolation" of motherhood and into something more. But I don't know what yet. Not to abandon this first calling....that one is for life. :) But to expand upon it.
For those of you who know me well, I welcome your thoughts and input. Pray for me. If you see more out of this emotional chaos than what I currently see, please tell me!
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1 comment:
I understand what you're going through. My grandma passed away several years ago and she suffered from dementia while in the last stages of cancer (in her last days).
And, there was a point in my life where I had to just NOT watch the news because my emotions (specifically fear, in my case) brought confusion and doubt and was distracting me from really knowing and trusting God.
But PJ has taught me, too, that we can use these times against satan and his scemes--the flaming darts--with more PRAYER and PRAISE and REJOICE in triumph because God reigns in all things.
And know, too, that because you shared, you can bet that I am praying with you during this difficult time!
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